I’m petrified of projects. Basically, I try to avoid things that involve leadership in any sense. To be in charge of something, to pull everything together, make sure everyone’s coordinated, do the legwork, to be the one person that’s completely accountable for the success or failure of something. The shit scares me more than I would care to admit myself. 

I realized this because in a recent job interview (I haven’t had one in almost two years), I was told that I was being considered instead for a position that basically makes sure the goal happens. Lots of dealing with people and project management involved. And dude, I froze. For a few seconds I thought of My Biggest Screw Up in ‘09 and all the series of unfortunate events in 2010 where I was left in charge of projects (people are very trusting in general) and I just screwed everything up, one after another. The job I have now is so safe and comforting compared to my previous ones and to think that I have to do everything again in an environment like that excited me, but it scared me more. So I froze. Then I babbled and twitched and talked about things that one should not say in moments like that. Dafuq was I thinking.  

I have to get over this. Actually, I have made things happen successfully on occasions where I did everything as early as I could. The only way to get through this is to undertake as many pseudo-albeit-personal projects as I could and make them happen. Come to think of it, these past three years or so I’ve avoided organizing anything, even things as simple as night outs or lunches. I basically became the kind of person who just agrees or disagrees, never really taking the initiative to start anything. So yes, along with my two other simple character resolutions for this year, initiative should be my third one. And stop jellying out, woman. The months are flying.   

My feet are currently dipped in ice cold water. I filed for a half-day sick leave because my muscles hurt like hell and I’m not sure I can drive with an ankle this swollen (although the swelling has gone down significantly since last night). Yesterday’s disgusting mud crawl for the teambuilding had left my skin with a thin film of of soot and my nails with the remains of that black disgusting thing, even if I showered two times already. I got the idea of removing the soot by applying sunflower oil, and it effectively did so. Wasn’t really surprised because that oil removes make-up like fo-shizzle. I will never buy another bottle of make-up remover again because sunflower oil costs like 1/5 of that. 

Anyway highway. I need to focus now. I have done a number of fun things these past few weeks, all of which have no solid bearing over the goals I have set for myself for 2012. So the following weeks should be more I don’t know, streamlined and focused and all. Wednesday will be a telling day. Interview in the morning and treatment in the afternoon. Is that interview even going to push through? They confirmed once but didn’t reply to my succeeding e-mail. I was stressing over it late last week, but this morning, I decided whatever whatever. The more I know about them, the more convinced I am that it’s not really a logical next step for me, career-wise. But opportunity presented itself and it looks pretty darn close to what I want to do this year, so might as well see where it goes. New experiences are supposed to rule anyway, at least eventually. 

I was talking to a bunch of colleagues yesterday and I realized that a lot of us are where we are because we changed our minds about the paths we initially took and were not really sure where to go next. Indecision, aren’t you such a motherfucker. And I thought to myself, this is where constancy of purpose comes in. When of you think of it really, indecision prevents you from committing and committing is crucial in practically all kinds of success.

These are the noises that cloud up what has been my default thought for a week. It ain’t healthy, Anna. But I’m pretty sure you’d go for it again. Hah.