I’m petrified of projects. Basically, I try to avoid things that involve leadership in any sense. To be in charge of something, to pull everything together, make sure everyone’s coordinated, do the legwork, to be the one person that’s completely accountable for the success or failure of something. The shit scares me more than I would care to admit myself.
I realized this because in a recent job interview (I haven’t had one in almost two years), I was told that I was being considered instead for a position that basically makes sure the goal happens. Lots of dealing with people and project management involved. And dude, I froze. For a few seconds I thought of My Biggest Screw Up in ‘09 and all the series of unfortunate events in 2010 where I was left in charge of projects (people are very trusting in general) and I just screwed everything up, one after another. The job I have now is so safe and comforting compared to my previous ones and to think that I have to do everything again in an environment like that excited me, but it scared me more. So I froze. Then I babbled and twitched and talked about things that one should not say in moments like that. Dafuq was I thinking.
I have to get over this. Actually, I have made things happen successfully on occasions where I did everything as early as I could. The only way to get through this is to undertake as many pseudo-albeit-personal projects as I could and make them happen. Come to think of it, these past three years or so I’ve avoided organizing anything, even things as simple as night outs or lunches. I basically became the kind of person who just agrees or disagrees, never really taking the initiative to start anything. So yes, along with my two other simple character resolutions for this year, initiative should be my third one. And stop jellying out, woman. The months are flying.